Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
in the ocean
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The old gods are rising again.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.