[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
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Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.