[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Yup….perfect score!
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron