Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!

Medusa: *takes a long drag on a cigarette* You know, he was just Dwayne Johnson until he met me

the only organized thing in my life is crime

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

me: my friends:

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

I’ve watched this 17,467 times

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.

This is hilarious….