Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.

All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.

Me: you are laundry, stop talking

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

I’m having an out of money experience.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.