Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Don’t touch that.

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1665476130340519937/vid/724x720/UgKfLVAEGdBbsNob.mp4?tag=14

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.

[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.