[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
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“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
screw you
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.