I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
You Might Also Like
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Remember folks 😂
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.