Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
no!! no!!!!!!
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Dear Lord..
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!