Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

Breaking news:

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

[in the car]

4yo: Can my window go down?

Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?

4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?

Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks

We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know

Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

out-housing market appears to be strong

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong