Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate

gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.