Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
You Might Also Like
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Seek kebab; not attention
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
