Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
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[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.