Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

My dream car is a taco truck.

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Your wife is beautiful, is she single?

I was in the first Top Gun movie.

I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

honestly this was all i could see so i drew it

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.