Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
this made my day 😂
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
🤣😈🤣
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.