Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
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It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes