Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread