Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
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Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..