Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.