Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

Dyslexics are teople poo!

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what