@ShortSleeveSuit

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

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@Bluestmoon_

I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos

@UncleDuke1969

“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”

Liam Neeson returns in…

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@ItsAndyRyan

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

@mela_shea

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

@QwertyJones3

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

@bjnovak

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

@Jay_FrickinLynn

*slams hands on table*

HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.