I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
*slams hands on table*
HOW DID BUZZ KNOW TO FREEZE AROUND HUMANS IF HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS A TOY, CAROL?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.