*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.