*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
You Might Also Like
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.