Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I don’t know who to tell this to but I noticed that chips are less broken than before. Getting a lot of large chips in the bag these days. So whoever is doing that thank you
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
awesome draft from months ago i just found
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.