Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
This meal prepping shit is easy
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.