Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
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Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp