Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
This cat wants you to take your pills
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
I have obtained a hat
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?