Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.