Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
wishing you and yours all the best
remember
only for emergencies
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving