Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Sorry not sorry.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”