Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
