Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.

New baby? Merry Christmas!

Getting married? Merry Christmas!

Birthday? Merry Christmas!

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

🥃