does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!