Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

Wife & son backing out in the car,

4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]

4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

[APARTMENT KITCHEN]

GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent

[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]

RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die

RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store

Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes

Me: say no more

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.