Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

Ladies, why y’all do this?

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kids

my quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.