Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie
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if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
!!!!!!!!!!!
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.