“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
You Might Also Like
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!