“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
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I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.