Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
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dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I don’t know what to do
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
No, why?
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.