Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
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Support your local cemetery
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.