Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Oh yeah that’s it
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Mountain Goat : )
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet