Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
The Assassin.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”