Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.