Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT