Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
You Might Also Like
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.