Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I drew y’all a little something.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
per my last wtf
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night