Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
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Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”