Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
You Might Also Like
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”