Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
You Might Also Like
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?