Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
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“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
me after i passed that state trooper
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.