Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Sunday

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.