Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
You Might Also Like
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.