Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.