Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Sorry I speak my mind.

It’s the only one I have, so I’m using it.

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.

Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”

But you?

You can call me tonight.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.