Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.