does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
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A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes