does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
I just ran a .003048K
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.