Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.