Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
I was just discussing this with my cat
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?