“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap