HER: I’m leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
How dare you complain about your life? Someone’s mom is Snooki.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
In school it be like 2+2=4. Homework: 2×8+3=19. Then the test: Juan has 4 apples, his train is 7 minutes early, calculate the suns mass. Wtf
some guy a long time ago: it’s my birthday
friends: nice. what if we sang u a song about it while we stare at u
guy: i would hate it
friends: oh ya we would too
guy: perfect let’s do that forever
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate