“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
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A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.