Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.

This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Her: Give me a chat up line?

Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?

Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?

Me: No, you smell like an animal.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi