Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
You Might Also Like
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.