Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
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if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
The Birdles
