I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
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My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.