Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

Tuesday

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.

“A little help here, Danny?”

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter