Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
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*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
