Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Close call…

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip