Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
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There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
make up your mind
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome